Love is a Battlefield
by scoob2222
Summary: Post Episode 4x16. What happens when Danny tells Lindsay the truth
1. Love is a Battlefield

Prompt: hell

Prompt: hell

centeriYou're makin' me go, then makin' me stay  
Why do you hurt me so bad  
It would help me to know, do I stand in your way  
Or am I the best thing you've had  
Believe me, believe me, I can't tell you why  
But I'm trapped by your love and I'm chained to your sidei

Love is a Battlefield by Pat Benatar/center

Lindsay sat still. Danny wasn't even sure she was still breathing. She just…sat there, pain etched on her face as she stared at a spot just over his head.

"Lindsay," he started.

"No," she said, holding her hand out. She looked straight at him now and the pain in her eyes made his body ache, "No, no you got to talk. You've had a chance to talk to weeks. I've been waiting for weeks, for months, forever for you to talk to me and you didn't. Now, it's my time to talk and you are going to listen."

He nodded, looking away from her, unable to look at her face anymore. He'd never been more ashamed of himself in his entire life. He didn't even know it was possible to hate yourself as much as he did in that moment.

"When I got to New York and met you I thought you were a typical chauvinistic asshole. The second things you said to me after hello was a lie to get me in trouble. You seemed like so many of the men I knew at him. You were handsome, charming, had a nice smile, and you'd have no problem scrambling out of bed while I was still sleeping. In general, I wanted nothing to do with you." She stopped talking for a moment, shaking her head, "But then I saw you work. I saw how conscientious you were, how tough, how fair. I saw how hard you worked on every case, how much you cared about the people you were trying to help. It made me think there was something more than just that bastard exterior. Especially after what happened with your brother, and then Aiden and then….that night you drove me home when Flack was in the hospital…it was…you were different. After that night, you were different and I liked it. I liked the person I saw in you."

She moved, came to sit closer to him, and waited until he looked up at her.

"And then I got the call from Montana. All I wanted was to tell you. All I wanted was your support, your comfort, but…I didn't want to drag you there. More than that, though I didn't want to take a risk on you only to find out you really were just another asshole. So, I waited and I hurt and I wanted you all the time. Then, one day I looked up from the stand and you were in front of me and I knew. I knew you really were that man that I hope you were deep inside. And so I stopped fighting it and for the first time in my life, I let all my fears go. I gave everything I had to you, Danny, to us. I fell head first in love with you and I didn't even try to slow down. I'd never been so happy in my entire life….then Ruben died and I waited. I waited night after night, patiently, until you'd come to me. I let you push me away, I let you treat me like dirt, I let you make me question what I was doing wrong. Everyday I'd look in the mirror and wonder what I was missing, what I wasn't doing." She shook her head and he heard the tears even if she wouldn't let me see them, "And where were you? You were off acting like that asshole boy. The pain was too bad and how do you fix it? Do you see someone? Do your turn to your friends? Do you turn to me and let me hold you and comfort you? No, you go and fuck the dead kid's mother as some kind of twisted penance. What was it, Danny? A fuck for everyday he would have been alive, maybe if you did it long enough you'd feel better."

"Montana…."

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" she said, screaming, rearing back and away when he tried to touch me, "DON'T CALL ME THAT! DON'T TOUCH ME!" She was sobbing now and he wanted to throw up. He wanted to throw up right then and there, wanted to throw himself off a fucking building so he wouldn't have to hear her sobs.

But he deserved to hear, so he stood there.

She cried for a long time, until finally she fell to the floor, her arms wrapped around her knees, "I would have given you anything you asked me Danny. My heart, my soul. If you needed time, I would have done that. If you needed to scream, I would have done that with you do. If you needed to fucking punch something I would have held the damn bag. But not anymore. I won't be the fucking moron that you kick around when your whore isn't around to make you feel better."

She was silent for a few minutes. He stood there, unsure if he should leave. Finally, she stood, her body twisting around as she tried to get to her feet.

She walked to the door and opened it.

"Lindsay, please, we can talk about this. We can…I'll do anything, anything to make this up to you just don't…"

"Don't what?" she asked, turning her red-rimmed eyes to his, "End things? I can't do that. You ended things a long time ago." She looked away again, "We work together. We will remain professional, but….please Danny if you care about me even a little…

"I lo…."

"No," she said, "No, don't you….don't say that to me now. Don't cheapen what we did have by saying that when you were screwing another woman this morning."

He bit his lip to keep silent and hung his head.

"We will remain professional and…and you will stay the hell away from me otherwise."

He nodded what else could he do.

"I'll drop your stuff off at work. Just…stick my stuff in a box and leave it by my locker."

He nodded again, walked towards the door.

He stopped just outside, "I am sorry, Lindsay, so, so sorry."

She nodded, "You really are."

Then she slammed the door in his face.

&

Rikki was in his apartment when he got back. How had she gotten in? He hadn't given her a key, had he? Had he done that and forgotten? He'd completely lost it. He had no idea what he was doing.

"Hey," she said, sliding up to him, "What took you so long?"

She pressed her lips against his, just for a second, and he pushed her back, jumping away from her and running to the bathroom. He got to the toilet just as he started heaving.

"What's wrong?" she said a few minutes later when he was brushing his teeth, "Are you sick?"

He looked at his reflection, "Yeah, I'm sick. Lindsay broke up with me."

She looked confused, and then nodded, "Oh, the girlfriend. Sorry."

He shook his head, "No, you're not. You're…You're grieving, you're lost, and I've….I should never have touched you. I…I cheated on my girl. I broke her heart. She's the best…the best thing that ever happened to me. The best thing ever and I ruined everything."

"Danny," Rikki said, trying to slide against him again, "Don't overreact. You don't need her, you have me."

Danny shook his head, "Go away Rikki. You're as sad and lost as I am. Go home, grieve for your son. You're not going get better screwing with me."

Rikki shoved him away, "Fine, fuck you then Danny. You did this to me. I trusted you and you killed my son."

"YOU DID NOT!" he screamed, the words erupting from his mouth before he could stop them, "I didn't do it, I didn't do anything, but try to be nice to your kid. It was an accident." Danny stopped, slumping back against the wall, "It was an accident. It wasn't my fault."

Rikki stood, her face twisted in disgust as she headed for the door, "Fine, whatever Danny. You're completely innocent. Do me a favor and stay the hell away from you."

Danny nodded, sinking down to the floor. He'd finally done the right thing, even if it was far too late.

&

Don found him at the bar. He'd been drinking for hours and he barely recognized him when he leaned over.

"Get up;" Don told him, "I'm taking you home."

"Don't have one of those," Danny said as he took another sip of beer, "Go away."

Don grabbed him shoulder, yanking him around. They scrambled for a moment, but Danny was too drunk to really fight back, "I would leave you here," Don said, "I don't really give a shit at this point, but I'm not going to have to explain to your mother than you drank yourself to death. Now, get the fuck up or I'll cart you out of here."

Danny shoved him back, but stood, tossing money on the counter and trying to walk. He took two full steps before Don had to help him and the two of them stumbled out of the bar together.

&

When Don got Danny home, Stella was waiting there. She had a box in her arms and threw it at Danny's feet, "There's your crap."

"Stella," Danny started.

"Don't even speak to me, Daniel Messer. You are the lowest order of human being possible. No, you're not even human, you're a snake. No, you know what, that's an insult to snakes. You are a weed that strangles everything around you."

"Stel," Don said, leaning Danny against the wall and stepping towards her.

"Are you going to defend him now?" she said, her voice full of rage, her eyes wide and angry.

"No," he said, "No, but…"

"But….but what? You were will me when Lindsay called. You heard her crying…I've never heard her cry like that, I've never heard anyone cry like that."

Danny slid down against the wall, landing on the floor and hanging his head in his hands.

"That's right, you hide yourself. You are a complete waste of space."

"Stella," Don said again, "Please."

"Don't…."

"Stop!" Don said firmly, "This isn't helping Lindsay. Please, I know you're upset, but…just go and be with her, she needs you. She doesn't need this."

Stella straightened her back, her body tightening with barely restrained fury, "Fine," she said, "But you tell him," she pointed at Danny, unable to even talk to him at the moment, "To stay away from her. Just….keep him away."

Stella walked out, her heels hitting the floor the only sound that could be heard. When she was finally gone, the only sound Don heard was Danny's broken sobs.

"I ruined it, Don," he said, "I ruined everything. What did I do? How did I get here?"

"Well," Don said as he pulled his friend up, "You were in pain and you were grieving. Instead of asking your girlfriend for help, instead of talking to me, or Mac, or a shrink, you pushed everyone away, jeopardized most of our jobs at some point, and sought refuge in the mother of the dead kid. In other words Danny, you fucked up worse than just about anyone in the history of the world did. It's basically you and fucking Pandora for the win."

"What do I do?" Danny asked, sounding more lost and alone than Don had ever heard him.

"First," Don said, helping Danny up, "You're going to shower, because you smell. Then you're going to get some sleep."

"After that?"

"After that, we'll…we'll deal with the rest."

&

While Danny was in the shower, Don had cleaned his bedroom and changed his sheets. He'd ordered Danny into bed and while he slept, Don cleaned the apartment. Danny didn't even stir when Don used the vacuum.

It was nearly six hours before Danny stirred. Don shoved a plate of food; he'd gone to the market, at him as he called in and made sure that Angell could cover for him.

"So," Don said when Danny finished eating, "You ready to talk."

"I…I have to call, Lindsay, I have to…" he reached for the phone only to have Don snatch it away.

"No."

"Don, damn it, listen to me."

"No, you listen to me. Lindsay is heartbroken right now and the last thing she needs is to hear from you. First, you've got to figure out what you're going to do with yourself."

"I don't even know where to start," Danny said.

"Well, I have an idea where you should, if you actually want to listen."

"Yes, I do."

"Does that mean you're done acting like a moron and sleeping with grieving mothers and messing up your job?"

"I…I think so."

"You better know so, Dan, because getting you back from this is going to be a lot of damn work. Are you going to do it or not?"

Danny was silent for a moment, then he nodded, "I am…I have to."

"Good. First, we start with you going to see Mac tomorrow and asking for medical leave."

"I don't need…"

"You need to see someone, Danny. You've been as off at work as you have been anywhere else and that means you're putting people in danger. Never mind that both Lindsay and I could have lost our jobs covering for you the last few months. I should have told Mac before, but…I hoped that you would come out of it on your own."

Danny looked away, "Guess Montana isn't the only one I disappointed."

Don looked down himself, "Listen, Dan, you're my friend, pretty much the best I've ever had. That means I'm going to help you through this any way I can, but you have to work with me."

Danny nodded, "I'll go talk to the Mac."

"And start seeing someone?"

Danny nodded, "What else?"

"You need to move out of her. You can't be anywhere near Rikki. You need to end things with her, firmly and completely, and then you need to get out of this apartment."

"Okay, I'll look for another place and…"

"No, Danny, I mean immediately. You can come stay with me until you find a place."

Danny looked like he would argue, but he finally nods again, "Okay, yes, I'll do it."

"Okay," don said, "Now, go get some more sleep because you still look like shit."

Danny stood, "Thanks, Don."

Don smacked him on the back, "don't thank me yet, Danny, you're still completely screwed up."

&

The next day Danny went to see Mac. He told him what had been going on since Rueben's death and Mac was sympathetic, but also firm. Danny was going to take some time and see a doctor. Only when the doctor cleared him was he allowed back in the field. He wanted him to take at least a month off before he even returned to the lab.

"Thank you for this, Mac," Danny said as he shook his hand.

Mac nodded, "Just…take care of yourself, Danny. None of us want to see this ruin you."'

Danny nodded as he left, but wondered if he'd already ruined himself.

&

Three days after he talked to Mac he moved out of his apartment. It was the end of the month and he didn't want to get stuck paying for another one. His new apartment wouldn't be available for a month so he was storing some stuff and staying with Don until then.

He stared at the pool table, waiting for Don to come and help him movement. His hands traced the green top as he closed his eyes and remembered his first time with Lindsay. He could still taste her skin mixed with tequila, could still smell the scent of her hair, and feel the length of her body pressed against his. She'd been so amazing that night, so free and giving and…better than anything he'd ever imagined. Lindsay had given him everything that night and during all the wonderful months, they'd spent together afterward.

He remembered chasing her around a fake haunted house in Amityville.

He remembered her teasing him for hours because she was a better shot.

He remembered her smiling at him, nothing but a sheet wrapped around her, as she waved a can of condom spray at him.

His hands clenched into fists and he could taste bile in his mouth.

He'd ruined that. He'd spat on their relationship, and her, and though he wished it was different, he feared there was nothing on earth that could let him change it.

"Dan," Don called when he came back in, "Ready to move the table."

Danny swallowed hard and nodded, "Yeah."

He turned just as his door was pushed open and Rikki walked in, "What's going on?" she asked.

Don looked at him, his eyes firm, and expectant.

Danny nodded to him, "Could you, uh, bring that other box down and come back up for the table?"

Don nodded, "Sure." He grabbed the box, nodding to Rikki as he left.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"I'm moving," he said, wanting to be straightforward and concise.

"Why?"

"Rikki," Danny started, then stopped, and looked away, "I'm sorry for what's happened. Sorry for Ruben, sorry you're in so much pain, but mostly I'm sorry that I ever touched you the way I did. You're grieving and lonely and I had no right to do that."

"But I feel better with you," she came closer, her body almost brushing his before he pulled away.

"No, you don't….you feel nothing for a few minutes and you think that's better. Its not."

"Please, Danny, don't do this. I've lost so much; I don't want to lose you. Can't we at least…can't we at least be friends?"

Seeing the pain in her eyes made Danny want to fix it, but he knew in his heart he couldn't. The only thing that could fix Rikki was having her son back, that or a lot of time and counseling. Sleeping with him would do neither of those things.

"No, Rikki. You need to figure out a way to go on by you and me…I'm no good to anyone this way."

Rikki's face twisted in anger, "This is about that girl, you're stupid girlfriend right. Didn't she dump you?"

"Yeah, she did…and I deserved it. Now, I can only hope to get her back."

"So, you're picking you and her over you and me."

Danny shook his head, "There isn't any you and me. We've been using each other and in the process I've made a mess of my life and hurt the one person that has truly loved me in my entire life." Danny sighed, "I wish the best for you, Rikki, I truly do, but…there's nothing more I can do for you."

Rikki's head fell, her eyes tearing up, "I just don't want to be alone. I haven't been alone for years because I always had…I don't know what to do without him, Danny."

He nodded, "I know you don't, but I also know ignoring your pain by being with me isn't going to make it better."

She nodded, "I'm sorry about you and…you're girlfriend. You both seemed really happy together. I never even thought…"

"It wasn't your fault," Danny said, "You didn't owe her anything…I did."

Rikki nodded, "Could you do one last thing for me, Danny?"

"I can try."

"Can you pray for me?"

Danny nodded, "Yes, I can do that. Will you do the same for me?"

She nodded, "Good-bye."

Danny took a deep breath as she left. He felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He wasn't to blame for Rueben's death or Rikki's pain.

&

Danny spent the next month at Don's place. He saw the shrink three times a week, worked out, stopped drinking more than a beer a day, and cleared his head.

Unfortunately clearing his head meant realizing exactly how far he'd fallen.

After 35 days, the shrink cleared him for lab work. He was still going to be seeing her once a week until she decided he was ready to be back in the field.

Tomorrow was his first day back, but before he did that, he had to talk to Lindsay.

If nothing else, he had to tell her he would be back. He hoped she'd missed him, maybe even forgiven him a little, but he didn't want to hurt her anymore and he wanted to know that he would do nothing to hurt her any further. If she wanted him to stay away from her, he would, even if it would kill him inside.

He waited outside her apartment for over an hour before she finally came around the corner. She looked up just before she got to the front door and her eyes widened as she saw him. It had been a month since he'd laid eyes on her and the sight of her made his chest ache. God had he missed his girl.

Even if she wasn't his anymore.

"What do you want, Danny?" she asked before he could even speak.

"I just…I'm going to be coming back to work tomorrow."

She nodded, "I heard. Thanks for telling me though. Goodnight."

"Wait…" he said, stepping in front of her. She stopped in her tracks, pulling back before any part of him could touch her.

His skin felt too tight, but he forged on, "Please, Lindsay, please just listen to me…just once and I'll never ask again."

She looked away and he prepared for her refusal, but she finally nodded, "Fine, but when I tell you to leave you're done, you get out."

He nodded furiously, "I promise."

She nodded, "Okay," and headed for her door.

He forced himself to take a deep breath and followed her.

&

"So, you wanted to talk," she said as she sat on her huge armchair, leaving him alone on her couch.

He nodded, "I…I just wanted to tell you…everything, but first I wanted to give you this." He reached into his jacket and pulled out the ball of fabric he'd been hiding there. He held it out to her, "I kept this unpacked when I moved. I knew you'd want it," he said of his favorite Yankee jersey, "it's your favorite."

She shook her head, "I don't want it. I don't want anything that you might have let that woman wear."

Danny's eyes fell away from her, "She never wore this Lindsay. This is yours and only yours. Just like my heart has always been yours and always will be."

He saw her eyes fill and she stood, moving away from him, "No, I can't…I can't do this. You have to go."

"No, please, please Lindsay, please just listen to me."

She said nothing, but didn't tell him to go again, so he kept talking.

"I haven't seen Rikki in a month, Lindsay. I told her that there was nothing between us and that we were a terrible mistake. I've spent the last month at Flack's trying to figure out what the hell was going on with me."

"And," she said, turning slightly towards him, "What did you find out?"

"I found out…that I really suck at talking about things. All last year, when you kept pushing me away, I kept wondering why you wouldn't lean on me, why you wouldn't let me in. It seemed so simple to me, so easy. I was right there, all I wanted was to help you, and I couldn't understand why you wouldn't let me. Now, I understand. Now, I see."

"Do you think that saying that makes everything okay?"

"No, I know it doesn't, but it's the truth. The shrink, the doctor, I've been seeing, we've been talking about things. Ruben, but not just that. We talked about my childhood, about my dad and Louie and Aiden and just…everything. I…I didn't trust you the way I should have Lindsay, and that's no one's fault but my own. I just…I've never had a relationship where I could share how I was feeling. It never even occurred to me that you could help me through it. I know it sounds stupid, especially when you tried over and over to get me to open up, I know. But…I understand it now and if…if you could forgive me and give me another chance. I could be so much better this time Lindsay. I could be the man you saw in me."

Lindsay's back is still to him and he has no idea if she's even hearing him.

After silence that seems to last forever, she turns to him and says, "I don't know."

He feels his heart head to his feet.

"I'm not," she continues, "I'm not trying to hurt you. I just…you broke my heart Danny and…I just don't know where to go from here. Do we start over? Can we even do that? I don't even know how to trust you again. I just…I'm not saying I never can, I'm just saying I'm not ready."

"I'll wait," he says, rushing the words out.

"I don't know how long…" she begins.

"I'll wait," he said again, more firmly this time, "I'll wait."

She nods, "Okay…okay."

"I love you," he tells her again and she nods again and says "Okay," again and he finally heads toward the door.

He closes it behind him and takes a deep breath. She didn't say no, she didn't say never. He still has a chance. He's on the first step when he hears a door open, the third when she calls his name.

"Yeah," he says, turning back towards her.

"I…" she started speaking, then stopped, "I…just…thank you, thank you for my shirt."

The smile those words brought to his face dared to split it in two, "You're welcome, Montana."

She closed her eyes for a moment, then opened them to look at him, just look, for a minute, "Good night, Danny. See you tomorrow."

"Tomorrow," he echoed, "Tomorrow."

He walked out of her apartment, sure, he was floating. No, everything wasn't perfect, but the last few weeks had been all about baby steps, slowly getting back to normal. He could do that with Lindsay too, he could take baby steps, hell he could take mini-baby steps if that's what it took.

All he knew now was that there was hope for them.

And if he had a chance to be with Montana again then everything was right in his life.


	2. Whatever it Takes

Prompt: you

Prompt: you

centeriI'll do whatever it takes  
To turn this around  
I know what's at stake  
I know that I've let you down  
And if you give me a chance  
Believe that I can change  
I'll keep us together  
Whatever it takes/i/center

The first month after he started back at the lab was rough. Every time he ran into Lindsay he wanted to run into a bathroom, point at the mirror and yell, "You! You are the biggest moron in the entire world."

Something changed with time though, slowly he and Lindsay began talking more, even occasionally joking, and finally, one night, she'd agreed to go a basketball game with him. Sure, it had been interrupted by a murder, but before then they'd been laughing and she'd been knocking the Knicks. It had been just like before.

He knew it would take a long time to get back there, and they probably never would. He liked to think they were going somewhere new, somewhere better….somewhere that would last forever.

He headed to the morgue to see where Sid had gotten with the body. He was surprised to see Pino there.

"Hey, Pino, switching shifts again?"

Pino shrugged, "Sid's on vacation and we had three bodies come in today so I came in a little early. I guess you want to know about John Doe."

"Yeah, he's mine."

"No identification anywhere. I bagged his clothes for you. I found some sort of gel-like substance on his feet."

"Cause of death?"

"Oh right," Pino said, suddenly looking flustered and confused that he hadn't started with that, "Blunt force to the head, something with a circular head."

"Okay, anything else?"

"No, that's all I got for now."

Danny nodded and was about to leave when Pino called his name, "What?" he asked.

"Uh, listen about the whole….Monroe thing. I just I don't want you to feel like I'm stepping on your toes here. She just mentioned it to me and I was free and I'm a fan so…"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Danny asked, feeling his blood pressure rise.

"Oh," Pino said, stepping back a little, "I thought she'd told you. Lindsay and I are…going to the opera tomorrow."

Danny said nothing, his mouth opening, and closing several times.

"It's just, she has tickets, and I love iLa Boheme/i and…." Pino trailed off as Danny stared at him.

Danny glared for another minute, and then turned and headed for the door. He practically ran to the office he shared with Lindsay, reaching for the door, ready to demand an explanation.

Then he stopped cold.

He didn't have the right to demand an explanation. He didn't have the right to demand anything. She wasn't his anymore. She could date anyone she wanted to.

Feeling sick to his stomach Danny walked into their office, nodding at her before heading to the lab to work on his evidence. He just had to put it out of his mind for the moment.

There was nothing else to do.

There was nothing else to do when she went to the movies with Pino the next week, or when she canceled lunch with him to go out with that rat bastard, or when she stopped laughing with him, and refused to meet his eyes.

There was nothing he could fucking do.

And he hated it.

&

Lindsay didn't mean to get involved with anyone, certainly not someone from work and certainly not Martin Pino.

Everything had been going good with her and Danny; at least as good as, it could after what he'd done.

Then her Uncle Freddie had given her opera tickets and she wanted to ask Danny, but then she thought that was a bad idea. The opera was romantic. It involved dressing up and flowers and kisses good night and she wasn't ready for that…not with Danny.

So, when Marty mentioned that he loved the opera her mouth had just opened and she asked. Just like that.

And it did the same thing when he asked her to the movies the week after.

And then this past week.

"Hey, Lindsay," Danny said as he came into her office, "Lunch in 10."

"Oh, uh, actually I have to cancel. I have other plans."

She remembers that Danny's face had dropped and she felt just a little bit of happiness at hurting him, then she felt like crap at his next words, "Right, right, well…have fun."

Still, she kept dating Marty. It was easy, it was simple. He was sweet and kind and….and she wasn't in love with him. She knew deep in her heart she would never love Marty Pino.

And while part of her longed for the feeling she had with Danny, another wanted part wanted to be safe and secure. And that kind of safety only came when you never gave your heart away.

&

Lindsay was in the locker room, ready to grab her coat and head home. She had a date with Marty in two hours and she was trying to get herself excited. At this point, all she really wanted to do was go home and soak in a tub for years, but she couldn't cancel on Marty without feeling like a jerk. That was the difference between him and Danny. Danny understood cases that made her want to curl up in bed; Marty never did and never would.

She gasped as something fell out of her locker. She leaned down and picked up the small ipod. She looked at it, confused, and then turned it over. On the back there were three words inscribed.

iWhatever it takes/i.

Still confused she put the headphones on and looked at the ipod. There was only one thing listed on it, one album.

iLindsay's Mix/i it read loudly. She clicked on it and pressed play.

Immediately Danny's voice began.

"Lindsay, this is Danny, but I'm sure by now you already know that. What you might not know is today is our one year anniversary, or at least it would have been if I hadn't screwed up and made the worst mistake of my life. I know that we're not together and that you're…with someone else. I didn't make this mix to upset you or even to try to convince you to come back to me. I made it because I need you to know that I love you and that we belong together. I believe that in my heart. So I'm telling you that I will wait a year or ten years or forty years if that's what it takes to get you back. I will do whatever it takes Lindsay. Please remember that….I love you."

Lindsay's legs couldn't hold her anymore and she slid down the locker onto the floor. Lifehouse began to play and she wanted to sob at the words.

centeriI know you deserve much better  
Remember the time I told you the way that I felt  
And that I'd be lost without you and never find myself  
Let's hold onto each other above everything else  
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes  
To turn this around  
I know what's at stake  
I know that I've let you down  
And if you give me a chance  
Believe that I can change  
I'll keep us together  
Whatever it takes/i/center

By the time, the mix ended and the last notes of "In Your Eyes" finished playing she was crying, wrapped in a ball on the floor.

What the hell did she do now?

&

What she ended up doing was meeting Marty and ending it? She couldn't say that he was very surprised, and they walked away amicably. That was at least something she could be thankful for.

What she wasn't thankful for was the next four hours, which she spent listening to Danny's mix. In the bath, on her couch, in her bed as she tossed and turned. She listened and listened and she still had no idea what to do.

Finally, at 2 in the morning she called a cab and headed for Danny's apartment.

His hair was sticking up everywhere when he answered. He was shirtless and rubbed his eyes as he looked at her, "Montana," he said. He hadn't called her that in months; clearly, he was just too tired to remember not to, "What's wrong?"

"You're wrong," she said, "you and you're….you're words and your music and everything. I was going to go on a very nice date tonight and now…now I broke up with Marty."

Danny closed the door behind her as she stomped in.

"You don't have anything to say about that?" she asked.

"I don't know what to say," he said, "I mean, I'm sorry you're upset, but I'm not going to lie and pretend I'm upset that you broke up with him. I never want you with anyone but me Linds and you know that."

She closed her eyes, "I never wanted to be with anyone but you," she said, "It was you that ruined that….YOU!"

He nodded, his face filled with pain, "I know that…I know Lindsay."

She turned away, and he heard her let out a cry, "I miss you so much," she said, "I…I had this sweet, wonderful guy taking me out and treating me good and he…he should have been perfect, but he wasn't because he wasn't you. He didn't love the Batmobile, and he didn't know my favorite type of wine, and he didn't argue with my about anything and….I wanted you….I want you Danny, I just…" she stood there, staring at him, and then she just moved, pressing her body against his and kissing him deeply.

He groaned, his hands pulling her against him, "I love you," he whispered as they kissed frantically, "I missed you, I….god Lindsay."

They kissed for a long time, savoring the feel of being together again. Finally, they stumbled back and ended up on the couch, Lindsay's body pressed against him.

It was then that he pulled away, "We can't do this," he said.

She pressed her face into his chest, "I know, I know. We need to talk."

He nodded and they moved apart, sitting on opposite ends of the couch, feeling awkward again.

Lindsay spoke first, "If we're going to…if we're going to do this again then we're going to do it right. That means you talk to me, Danny. You can't hole up inside of yourself; you can't turn to other people. If you want me to give you another chance, to trust you with my heart, you need to be in this all the way."

Danny moved closer, reaching out for her hand. It took a minute, but finally she reached out and put her hand in his.

"Lindsay, I swear that I will do anything you want. If you want to go to couple's counseling, if you want daily sharing sessions, if you want me to write a journal everyday full of every single thing I am thinking I will do it. I meant what I said on that recording, Montana. I want you back, whatever it takes."

She smiled, "Its going to take a long time to get to where we were. It's going to take a lot of work."

"I can do work," Danny said, "I'll do anything."

"Okay,"' she said, moving closer to him, "Okay, let's do this…let's give it another try."

Danny nodded, "Not just a try this time, Lindsay, this time we're going to get it right." He leaned forward and kissed her softly, "This time will be forever."


	3. In Your Eyes

Prompt: now

Prompt: now

centeriLove i get so lost, sometimes  
Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart  
When i want to run away  
I drive off in my car  
But whichever way i go  
I come back to the place you are/i

"In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel /center

Danny dragged his teeth down the long column of Lindsay's neck. He nibbled on her pulse point until she made a sound that shot straight to his groin. He groaned and pressed his hips up against her.

His hands slid under her shirt, the pads of his fingers tracing her spine. When he brushed the clasp of her bra she pulled back, getting off his lap and dropping back onto the couch.

He sighed, forcing himself to take several deep breaths as he ran a hand through his hair.

"I'm sorry," she said between gasps for air.

"What?" he asked, turning towards her.

"That I…that we can't…"

"Hey," he said, sliding back against her, his hand coming up to cup her cheek, "You don't have to be sorry for anything. We said we'd go slow here, Linds, there's no time table on this."

She took a deep breath, "You know I want to. I just…"

"I know," he said, kissing her softly, "I know. Time," he said again, "It'll just take time."

&

When Danny told Lindsay that, he would go as slow as she wanted he meant it with every fiber in him. It had been three months since they'd gotten back together and, though it had been rocky at times, they were together and he was happy again, whole again.

He kept seeing the shrink, even bringing Lindsay in for a few sessions. They were talking more, about their lives; before and since they'd met and they ate dinner once a week with his mother. He wanted Lindsay to be a part of his whole life, not just a section. When he'd told her he was all the way in this time, he'd meant it.

So if she wanted to wait three months of six months or a hundred months to decide she was ready to make love again than he'd wait that long.

As long as he had her in his life, nothing else really mattered.

He was just unlocking his door, arms full of groceries for the dinner he was making his girl that night when he heard that voice.

"Danny."

He turned, already knowing who it was, "Rikki, what are you doing here?"

She looked around, "I needed to talk to you. Can I come in?"

He shook his head, "No…I'm sorry, but no."

She nodded, "I kind of figured that. Things better with the girlfriend?"

"Rikki what are you doing here?" he asked, not about to discuss Lindsay with her.

Rikki sighed, "I, uh, I'm sorry, I know you didn't want to see me again, but I'm in trouble Danny. I…I didn't complete my community service or my court-ordered grief counseling and well, they're pulling me back in front of a judge. I might go to jail."

Danny shook his head, "Damn it, Rikki, all you had was hundred hours and that counseling. It was good for you. Flack called in favors for you on that. I stood up as a character witness for fuck's sake."

"I know, I'm sorry," she said, coming closer.

He backed away, "Rikki, I…I'm sorry, but I've just got my life back together and I can't get mixed up in your mess."

Her face hardened, "My mess over my dead son that you didn't protect."

"Don't go there," he said his face hard, "I'm not playing that game with you." He took a deep breath, "Listen, I'm sorry but I've done everything I can for you. So just…you're going to have to figure this one out on your own."

Rikki's face dropped, "Please Danny."

He shook his head, "I'm sorry."

She nodded, biting her lip, "Okay, fine, fine, sorry to bother you."

She turned to leave and he felt a sudden pang of guilt, "Wait, Rikki." Rikki turned hopefully, "Look will you do it…the counseling and community service and all that?"

She nodded, "I will."

He sighed, "Listen, I'll talk to Flack and see if he can do anything, but that's it, okay? You can't come back here. We can't have any contact."

She nodded, "I promise, thanks Danny."

He nodded and went into his apartment. Suddenly his dinner had gotten less than perfect. He was going to have to tell Lindsay about this and prayed it wouldn't push them apart again.

&

Lindsay stared at Danny over the rim over her wineglass. Dinner had been delicious, but he'd barely eaten it. He'd squirmed in his seat all night and now he was hurrying to clean the dishes instead of using the dishwasher.

"Danny," she said, when he went to pick up the platter full of chicken, "Can you sit for a minute?"

He nodded, "Sure, I was just," he smiled, "Sure."

She smiled and reached over for his hand, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he said quickly, "Well, something. I, uh…I saw Rikki today. I didn't go see her, she came here."

"Oh," Lindsay said, her hand dropping away.

"No," he said, grabbing it again, "It wasn't like that. I didn't…I didn't even let her in. She's….she's being brought back to court because she didn't fulfill her sentence. She asked me to help her out."

Lindsay nodded, "And are you going to?"

"I told her I'd talk to Flack, but that's it…I'm not getting into any of that again Lindsay."

"Any of that being having sex with her while you're dating me?"

Danny winced, "Linds…"

"I have to go," she said suddenly, reaching for her purse.

"What? No, wait, let me just explain."

She headed for the door, ignoring him, "I just need to…I need to be alone for a while."

She slammed the door behind her and he cursed, slamming his hand down on the table.

&

Danny left a message on Lindsay's answering machine minutes after she left asking her to please call and just let him know she got home all right.

When the phone finally rang two hours later, he lunged for it.

"Lindsay, Linds…"

"Yeah, it's me. I'm fine."

"I'm so sorry, Lindsay. I won't talk to Flack about Rikki. She'll have to deal with it on her own. I won't…"

"You should talk to Flack," Lindsay said, cutting him off, "I…you should do that. I don't want the woman in jail just because I'm jealous and pissed off. I know what its like to grieve."

Danny sighed, "You have no reason t be jealous, baby."

"But I do…because, because as much we might be trying to start over I can't pretend you didn't sleep with her. These last three months have been wonderful, getting to know each other again, taking things slow this time, but the fact is you cheated on me Danny and that's never going to go away."

Danny lowered his head, his eyes closing in pain, "I know. I know its not."

"Hearing you talk about her just brought it all up again. I don't….I just don't know what to do about it."

"Please don't pull away from me, Lindsay. We can get through this together."

He heard her take a shaky breath, heard the tears in her voice, "I thought we could, but now…I'm just not sure. I have to go, Danny."

"Lindsay, please don't," he began.

But all he heard was the dial tone.

&

"She's not going to go to jail," Don said the next morning, "The jails are overcrowded with actual criminals. They aren't going to put a grieving mother in there. She'll probably get some extra probation or a few more hours of community service and that's it."

Danny nodded, "Could you just check it out for me? Make sure it works out."

Don nodded, "I'll take care of it. How's Monroe taking all this?"

Danny sighed, "She's not speaking to me. I told her about Rikki coming by and she bolted. Maybe I should never have even told her."

"Lying won't fix things, Danny, you tried that already."

"I know that, but I don't know how to fix it."

"Just don't give up. She loves you, Danny, don't let anything get in the way of that."

&

When Lindsay got into work that afternoon, there was a rose and an apple cinnamon muffin on her desk. She smiled, bringing the rose to her nose for a sniff as she looked at the card that was left with it.

iLove you./i was all it said.

And maybe it was all that needed to be said. All day long, she'd thought about the night before, about what she'd said to Danny and she'd realized that she'd used Rikki's reappearance to take a huge step back. She'd forgiven Danny for cheating months ago, she understood why it happened, and she knew in her heart it would never happen again. So why was she going back in time, why was she trying to resurrect anger and fear that she'd already dealt with?

The answer was that it was her last ditch effort to push Danny away. Their relationship was healthier now than it had ever been and there was no reason not to give all of her heart to him again.

Which was scary, frightening.

But it was what she wanted. As scary as it was, she wanted to be with Danny all the way.

No more holding back.

&

Danny was equal points excited and worried when he headed over to Lindsay's apartment that night. She'd left him a voicemail earlier that day asking him to come over and see her that night. She sounded happy in the message, not upset at all.

Unfortunately, he hadn't been able to confirm how she really was because he hadn't been able to reach her all day. He let himself into her apartment, holding his breath, but let it out quickly as he saw what the place looked like.

It was dark, the low light of Lindsay's lamp the only way that he could see. On the floor, there was a trail of papers with arrows on them. They all pointed to the bedroom.

He walked slowly, calling her name, not wanting to scare her, but when he opened the door, he found her waiting for him, in nothing but white lace.

A nightie, his favorite no less.

"I guess you're not mad at me anymore," was all he could think to say.

She smiled, "No, I'm not mad." She crooked her finger at him, "Come here."

He came, nearly tripping over his feet to get to her and sat on the edge of the bed. She sat up, her arms wrapping around his neck as she pulled him down for a hot, hot kiss.

"Definitely not mad," he said when he pulled away, "Not that I want to interrupt all the kissing or detract at all from my favorite outfit ever, but what changed from last night?"

"I love you," she said, "and I trust you. I don't want to spend the rest of my life caught up on a mistake you made. I want to start a life together. When we got back together I asked you to be honest with me, to let me in and you did that. You told me the truth about Rikki right away and how you felt about it, but more than that, you respected how I felt and that's how I know that we shouldn't wait anymore. I don't want to wait anymore; I want to be with you right now."

"I love you, Montana, and not just for right now."

"I know that Danny, I know that now."


End file.
